Note: U M A = U, Me or Anyone
Line Manager: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is “average”.
UMA: What? How come ‘average’?
Line Manager: Because… err… uhh… you lack domain knowledge.
UMA: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Line Manager: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
Line Manager: Yes, I didn’t see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
UMA: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Line Manager: This is what I don’t like about you. You give excuse for everything.
UMA: Huh? *Confused*
Line Manager: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
UMA: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on “Business Communication”, you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Line Manager: Oh is it? Errr… well… I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
UMA: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Line Manager: See! That’s why you need to learn about it.
UMA: *head spinning*
Line Manager: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
UMA: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Line Manager:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err… anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only ‘average’.
UMA: Last year that process gave me ‘excellent’. This year just ‘average’? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Line Manager: That’s a complicated process. You don’t want to hear.
UMA: I’ll try to understand. Go ahead.
Line Manager: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets ‘average’, whichever lands on table gets ‘good’, whichever we manage to catch gets ‘excellent’ and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets ‘outstanding’.
UMA: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets ‘poor’ rating?
Line Manager: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
UMA: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for ‘outstanding’?
Line Manager: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!