How The Fight Got Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!’
And that’s how the fight started…

Son in College: ‘Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!’
Father: ‘What, son?’
Son: ‘Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?’
Father: ‘I certainly do.’
Son: ‘Well, you get to keep it.’

My day started out terribly. On my way to work, I rear-ended the car in front of me. The driver got out, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!”
I said, “Well, then, which one ARE you?”
That’s how the fight started…

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I’ve been so upset that I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him?” asked the friend.
“Oh! Not yet,” the first replied. “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said: “Honk if you love Jesus.”
I honked.
The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled, “Can’t you see the light is still red, you moron?”

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started….

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.”I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. ‘
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…